The Messiah Read online

  MIDWIFE. That’ll do, Joseph. Would you lower the lights a little please so that the baby’s entry into the world can be as gentle as possible.

  JOSEPH. Certainly. Sorry.

  Stage lights fade.

  MIDWIFE. Thank you, Joseph.

  JOSEPH (looks up. Gasps). But – but I’m not – not doing nothing. The lights is lowering by themselves. And look!

  (Points round the audience.) Hundreds of birds there look. All lined up. Watching. Waiting. Robins and blue-tits and blackbirds and thrushes. And there look! Rabbits and hedgehogs and foxes and squirrels and badgers and even – (At MRS F’s feet.) little hamster there, look.

  MIDWIFE. Yes it’s like a little menagerie in here. Now then, Joseph!

  JOSEPH. Yes?

  MRS F hums under the ensuing scene.

  Song 6: Holst, ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’

  MIDWIFE. She’s having her main attractions so she’s going to be in a lot of pain. I want you to hold her hand.

  JOSEPH. Dunno what to do! Dunno what to do! I feel the weight of the world upon me! I can’t deal with this! It’s too much for me!

  MIDWIFE. This is not your moment, Joseph. This is a woman’s moment.

  JOSEPH. Right. Sorry.

  MIDWIFE. Now then – grip Joseph’s hand, Mary.

  Gives JOSEPH MARY’s hand.

  JOSEPH. Right.

  MIDWIFE. Right now, Joseph, lift Mary up, Joseph. So she can partake more fully in the birth.

  JOSEPH. Right right. I’m just lifting you up, Mary.

  JOSEPH mimes lifting MARY. He supports her back. The MIDWIFE takes MARY’s hands. The baby begins to be born.

  MIDWIFE. Now, Mary, can you feel that? Can you feel the head? Look! Here’s the head now.

  JOSEPH. Oh look! Yes! Look, Mary, it’s a little –

  MIDWIFE. Quiet, Joseph! Now breathe, Mary! Push. Push. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe with her, Joseph! In – out – in – out!

  JOSEPH breathes loudly with MARY. In out – in out – in out – in out – in out.

  Good good! And breathe with him, Mary, breathe! Good. Push! Push! Keep pushing. Push the pain away.

  JOSEPH. You need to push, Mary! Push! PUSH!

  MARY gives him an earful.

  Alright!

  (To MIDWIFE.) She is pushing!

  MIDWIFE. Good. Good. Now breathe the pain away. Push the pain away! BREATHE the pain away! Good! Good! And the head has been born!

  JOSEPH (gasps in amazement!). A little baby head, look!

  MIDWIFE. And here come the shoulders!

  JOSEPH. Little baby shoulders now look!

  MIDWIFE. Good good. Breathe and push, breathe and push! And here comes the rest of him. Good. Good. Push. Push. Push. Push. Push. Push and –

  She glides the baby out. Raises him high into the air. MIDWIFE becomes RONALD.

  JOSEPH becomes MAURICE. They look up at the newborn baby in amazement.

  RONALD. Oh! It’s a little baby. A little boy. Isn’t he sweet? Well done Mary.

  MAURICE. Well done, Mary.

  RONALD. Would you like to take him now, Maurice?

  MAURICE. Oh. I would yes.

  MAURICE takes the baby.

  Well done Mary.

  RONALD. Cos we’re not going to ‘cut the cord’, are we, Maurice?

  MAURICE. No, Ronald. In order to retain the –

  RONALD. Organic connection with the mother!

  MAURICE. Right.

  RONALD. You’d better lay him on Mary’s tummy then so she can stroke him.

  MAURICE. Right yes. Sorry.

  He lays the baby on MARY’s tummy. He is JOSEPH again. JOSEPH gazes at MARY and her newborn baby.

  JOSEPH. Like a fish running before the surf, our baby was born into the world, Mary.

  RONALD puts on his veil. Becomes MARY holding the baby. MAURICE becomes JOSEPH sitting beside her.

  MRS F sings.

  Song 7: ‘Silent Night’

  MRS F bows to the couple. She exits.

  Music: dramatic.

  RONALD exits. He runs back on, pulling on his WISE MAN costume.

  The Road from Bethlehem

  RONALD. Quick quick, Balthasar the Wise Man! I can hear them! Listen! Herod’s armies are coming! By land, by sea, and by air! We must find the baby and the baby’s baby family!

  He runs off. Runs back.

  He sees MAURICE has not moved.

  Quick quick, Balthasar the Wise Man! I can hear them! Listen! Herod’s armies are –

  Still MAURICE does not move.

  Quick, Balthasar! We must warn ’em before it is too late and save the baby! Quick to our camels and save the baby!

  He rushes out. Runs back. MAURICE still hasn’t moved.

  Music cuts.

  Maurice? You’re meant to be a Wise Man! Balthasar the Wise!

  MAURICE. I’ve rather lost the will to continue, Ronald.

  RONALD. Pardon?

  MAURICE. I’ve been thinking about what you and Mrs F was saying about me in the dressing rooms. And I’m sure a lot of it is very true. And I realise here am I trying to write a show about – healing.

  RONALD. Ealing?

  MAURICE. Healing! And I’m not even healed myself.

  RONALD. Um –

  MAURICE. I believe there is a spiritual world, Ronald. Inside us. I believe that round every living thing there is a halo of light. We are divine beings, Ronald, and do not know it. That’s what it’s about, the Birth Scene. The bringing to birth of that divine part of ourselves, that inner divine child, which can heal ourselves, and heal the whole world, Ronald!

  RONALD. Well, that’s alright then, isn’t it?

  MAURICE. No!! Cos when I look for my divine part, my inner divine child, what do I see?

  RONALD. What do you see, Maurice?

  MAURICE. A great black toad, Ronald.

  RONALD. A great black toad?

  MAURICE. Inside me!

  RONALD. It’s all them diets you been on, Maurice! You got very strange on the five and nine.

  MAURICE. Five and two!

  RONALD. That was worse!

  MAURICE. Exactly. That’s what it feels like to be me, Ronald! Inside me! Picture yourself inside me, Ronald.

  RONALD. I don’t think I can do that, Maurice.

  MAURICE. I know I’m a child of creation. A perfect pristine being within the universe. But I seen my toad, Ronald. I know it’s there! Hopping up and down. Always there! Hoppin’! And I hate my toad. I know I should love my toad. Learn to accept my toad. I know I should do that. So I do. I lavish it with love and attention. But it just gets worse. Lolloping about! Causing havoc. Causing untold damage! I’m damaged goods, Ronald! Not surprising she left me.

  RONALD. Norman?

  MAURICE. Maureen!

  RONALD. Mormon?

  MAURICE. Maureen!!

  RONALD. Maureen!!!

  MAURICE (tearful). Look at me, Ronnie! I’ve spent a fortune on self-help! But I’m just a spiritual Hoover demonstrator, hacking about on the fringes of eternal truth. I’m just a very very horrible person, Ronald!

  He breaks down sobbing.

  RONALD. What’s happening, Maurice? Maurice?

  MAURICE. What’s it look like’s happening!? I’m having a breakdown, Ronald!!

  (Sobs.) I’m completely – confused!!

  RONALD. Well, Maurice, you know what they say?

  MAURICE. What?

  RONALD. Enlightenment is the highest form of confusion.

  MAURICE falls on the stage, sobs even louder.

  MAURICE. I am not worthy of our story here tonight, Ronald!

  (Sobs.) I’ve never felt so low.

  (Sobs.) I wish I’d never been born.

  He keels over.

  RONALD. Er – ladies and gentlemen, I never seen my friend in a state of such utter devastation.

  Heart-rending sobs from MAURICE. RONALD thinks.

  So – er – you know that bit in Peter Pan when Tinker Bell is dying and everyone has to stop her dyin’ by
clapping to prove they believe in fairies –

  MAURICE keels over onto his back. Lies motionless.

  Well, I think we’re going to have to do something similar for my friend to save him from a dreadful spiritual death. I’d never normally ask this of an audience during a show – but could you give him – well – a big round of applause?

  Audience applaud or cheer. MAURICE doesn’t move.

  Thank you. Um – the thing is – he likes more. Whistles, cheers, stamping and bravos. Could you send waves of loving and caring into Maurice’s heart. So – if you would please for my sake – give him a big one for me.

  Applause. Bravos and whistles.

  MAURICE moves. He looks at RONALD.

  It seems to have worked. Thank you very much! Are you feeling better now, Maurice?

  MAURICE. A little bit better, yes Ronald.

  RONALD. Would you like to get up off the floor now, Maurice?

  MAURICE. Right-oh.

  RONALD gives MAURICE his hand. Helps him up.

  Ronnie?

  RONALD. Yes?

  MAURICE. Would you do something for me, Ronnie?

  RONALD. Anything, Maurice. What would you like to do?

  MAURICE. The angel scene. Where I play Gabriel.

  RONALD. Again?

  MAURICE. Yes.

  RONALD. Right. I’ll get the chair.

  Fetches the chair.

  So you stand on the chair, Maurice. Stand on this chair.

  MAURICE stands on the chair. RONALD puts on his veil.

  RONALD. And I’ll be Mary.

  MAURICE. Right.

  RONALD. So which bit would you like to go from?

  MAURICE. The bit when he tells her about the little tiny little baby. The little baby boy.

  RONALD. Right. I’ll stand here then.

  MAURICE. And I’ll stand here.

  RONALD. Right.

  MAURICE. Right.

  Becomes GABRIEL, whooshes his wings.

  Music.

  Mary? Mary? Mary?

  RONALD. What? What? What?

  MAURICE. Blessed are you above all women. And all men.

  RONALD. Am I? Why?

  MAURICE. Cos you shall conceive a son.

  RONALD. Oh good.

  MAURICE. And you shall call his name Wonderful, Marvellous, Peace-Maker, Councillor, Magical, Triffic, Brill, Beautiful. And you will love him.

  RONALD. Will I?

  MAURICE. Yes!!! You will love him! You will love him!

  RONALD. Yes! Alright! I will! I will love him!

  MAURICE. Even if he’s mean? Even if he deliberately scares his best friend into thinking he’s trapped in a horrible tiny little dark room, playing on his innate claustrophobic fears of primal entrapment and makes him run away? Even then?

  Music: fades.

  RONALD looks at MAURICE.

  RONALD. Would you like to get off the chair now, Maurice?

  Gives him his hand. MAURICE gets off the chair.

  Have you got a hanky?

  MAURICE. It’s at the laundry.

  RONALD mops MAURICE’s brow with the hem of his robe. MAURICE blows his nose on it.

  RONALD. Maurice?

  MAURICE. Yes?

  RONALD. I love you, Maurice. And I won’t ever leave you.

  MAURICE. Ever?

  RONALD. Ever. Come here, Maurice.

  MAURICE steps towards him. RONALD hugs him.

  MRS F enters and sees them hugging.

  MRS F. Oh!

  RONALD. Hello, Mrs F. It’s Mrs F, Maurice.

  MAURICE. Hello, Mrs F.

  RONALD. We’re goin’ on with the show, Mrs F. Aren’t we, Maurice?

  MAURICE. We’re getting on with the show, Mrs F!

  MRS F. Good. Come along then.

  RONALD. Sorry I shouted at you, Mrs F. And Maurice is sorry too. For what he done. Aren’t you, Maurice?

  MAURICE. I am yes.

  RONALD. Your singin’ is like an angel, Mrs F. In fact listnin’ to your singin’ we thought you was one. Didn’t we, Maurice? Maurice?

  MAURICE. We could not have done what we done without what you done.

  RONALD. Beautifully put, Maurice.

  MAURICE. Thank you.

  MRS F. Thank you.

  MAURICE. Thank you.

  Music: Pastoral, Beethoven 6th.

  RONALD. And now the little holy family have their first little breakfast.

  MRS F. I don’t think so. Cut to the shepherds!

  RONALD. The shepherds?

  MAURICE. The shepherds?

  MRS F. The shepherds! I’ve got a train to catch.

  (Sings.) There were shepherds abiding in the –

  Suddenly MAURICE sees the little town is still revealed.

  MAURICE. Town!

  MRS F. Town?!

  MAURICE. The town! THE TOWN! Do the handle! Do the handle!

  RONALD rushes upstage looking for the handle.

  RONALD. DO THE HANDLE?! DO THE HANDLE?!

  MAURICE. THE HANDLE! THE HANDLE!!!

  MRS F (bursts into song).

  ‘HALLELUJAH! HALLELU– ’

  MAURICE. No No! Not the Handel! The HANDLE!

  RONALD. I’M DOING THE HANDLE!

  MRS F. I’M DOING THE HANDEL!

  MAURICE. Do the song, Mrs F! –

  MRS F. ‘HALLELUJAH! HALLELU– ’

  MAURICE. NO! The sheep song, Mrs F! Rock and sheep, Ronald!

  RONALD and MAURICE exit stage and run back with the cosmic rock, two stuffed sheep and a toy lamb. They drop the rock in place.

  Song 8: Handel, ‘There Were Shepherds Abiding in the Field’

  MRS F (sings).

  There were shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

  MRS F finishes song. Bows and exits.

  Bethlehem – Fields

  SFX: Sheep sounds.

  MAURICE and RONALD are sitting on the rock. RONALD is the YOUNG SHEPHERD. MAURICE is the OLDER SHEPHERD.

  The YOUNG SHEPHERD starts playing on a tuneless pipe. The OLDER SHEPHERD examines one of the stuffed lambs. The YOUNG SHEPHERD plays on and on and on. OLDER SHEPHERD can take it no more.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Excuse me.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Yes?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Would you mind keeping the noise down a bit.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Right.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD stops blowing the pipe. OLDER SHEPHERD keeps examining lamb.

  I thought I saw an angel today.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Did you?

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. In the crevice behind that hill.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Really?

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. D’you think I did see an angel?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. What did it look like?

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. It was sort of light and like a fluttering of cloth against a bush.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Probably a bit of cloth stuck in a bush.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Probably.

  OLDER SHEPHERD examines the sheep. YOUNG SHEPHERD blows pipe again.

  Sorry! Sorry!

  Puts pipe down.

  Do you think I’ll ever see an angel?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Well, they are very rare now.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Rarer than they used to be?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Yes.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Did one ever appear to your father?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. No.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Did one ever appear to your grandfather?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. No.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Did one ever appear to his father?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. No.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Or his father before –

  OLDER SHEPHERD. No!

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. So we ain’t really got a dog’s chance then, have we?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. We haven’t, to be honest.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Do you think you have to be in a special state of mind to see an angel? I mean do you think I try too hard to see an angel? Should I just stop thinking about it?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. I do really, to b
e honest.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD takes this in.

  Don’t mind my sayin’ that?

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. No no.

  Pause.

  Have you ever been on holiday?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Um – had a weekend break last year.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Where was that then?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Dead Sea. Bit quiet.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. See any angels at the sea?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Er no.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Probably get their wings damp.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Right.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD (points to stuffed sheep). Wendy’s got a bit of a limp on her, hasn’t she?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. She has yes.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Is there anything we can do?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Well, I generally rub on the saps and barks of various trees.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Shall I go and get some saps and barks?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. No, I already done it, thanks.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Right-oh.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. D’you want to count the sheep?

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Oh yes please!!!

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Okay!

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Okay! Where do I start?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Right. Start by the ridge, go down the river bank, past the bushy topped tree then long the escarpment and round the back.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Will we have something to eat when I get back?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Couple of falafels?

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Falafels!!!? My favourite!!! Falafels!!!

  Okay! Off now!!

  Leaps up. Turns suddenly.

  What if you see an angel?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. I won’t see an angel.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. But you’ll tell me if you do?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. I will yes.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Promise?

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Promise!

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Okay!

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Okay!

  The YOUNG SHEPHERD exits. We hear him counting into the distance.

  YOUNG SHEPHERD. Number one. Number two. Number three. Number four…

  The OLDER SHEPHERD sighs with relief. The counting fades away.

  An ANGEL appears behind the first shepherd. It is RONALD wearing wings.

  ANGEL. Shepherd? I’m an angel!!!

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Keep counting the sheep!

  The ANGEL leaps on to the rock.

  ANGEL. Shepherd! I am an angel!!!

  OLDER SHEPHERD turns and gasps. He shields his eyes from the celestial light.

  OLDER SHEPHERD. Of the Lord?

  ANGEL. Of the Lord.

  Fear Not!

  I have only joy to give you.

  There is a child born.

  And I’ll tell you the sign.