The Messiah Read online

  MRS F is horrified.

  RONALD. Oh, here we go! You and your bloody psycho drama-therapy sessions. ‘Oh hello welcome to the group. And who’d like to speak first?’ ‘Actually I’m going to speak first! For the next five bloody hours!’

  MAURICE. Just exactly where is this conversation leading, may I ask?!

  RONALD. You’re a hypocrite!

  MAURICE. Oh really!?

  RONALD. And a superfluous hypocrite at that!

  MRS F. Superficial.

  RONALD. Superferlatial hypocrite at that! ‘Oh look everyone! I just decided I become a “vegan”. I can’t have no milk or eggs in my tea. Oh but wait a minute! Oh no! Actually on second thoughts. I will have a third helpin’ of puddin’ please! And another coupla dollops of custard! Vegan custard? Nah! Full-fat!’ We’re not surprised she left you. Are we, Mrs F? Mrs F? Don’t know how she lived with you. If you want to know. That – that – Morag!

  MAURICE. Maureen.

  RONALD. Morgan.

  MAURICE. Maureen!

  RONALD. Maureen!! Not surprised she left you.

  MAURICE. So now you’ve had your say, Ronald, now you’ve expressed your feelin’s about me, what would you suggest I do now, Ronald ?

  RONALD. I do suggest you go back to showin’ ladies Hoover parts at Debenhams.

  Shocked moment. No one speaks.

  Right. I am goin’ off now.

  RONALD exits. Then re-enters.

  Then I’m coming back on as Herod.

  Exits again.

  MAURICE. RONALD!

  RONALD re-enters.

  RONALD. Yes?

  MAURICE. I will fulfil my contractual agreement with you with regardin’ tonight’s show, Ronald. After that – as far as I’m concerned – this partnership is OVER!

  RONALD. And I shall be doin’ Herod with the nose!

  Marches off and exits. MAURICE shouts into wing.

  MAURICE. Alright, Ronald! If you want to play it like that!

  MAURICE has no option but to exit too. MRS F remains mortified, glued to her seat.

  SFX: Thunder and lightning.

  Music.

  Jerusalem – Herod’s palace

  RONALD enters in cape and crown. He turns dramatically. He is wearing a long nose.

  HEROD. Aha! I am Herod the King. Otherwise known as King Herod. Sorry to have kept you. I just been out persecuting my people! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

  MAURICE re-enters in a WISE MAN hat and costume.

  Aha! But who do we have we here? No, no, don’t tell me. You must be – the Three Wise Men I’ve heard so much about.

  WISE MAN (forced into it). We, er, are yes. And we have news to impart unto thee!

  HEROD. News to umpart into me?

  WISE MAN. Yes! We have seen a new star, Your Highness. A-shinin’ in the night. And we have followed it.

  HEROD. A NEW STAR did you say? A-shinin’ in the night?

  WISE MAN. Yes.

  HEROD. So where is it now, this NEW STAR?

  WISE MAN. Above your palace, Your Highness.

  HEROD. Above my palace?! Let me see!

  WISE MAN. Just up there, Your Highness.

  He points to the right. The giant star tracks in very fast from the left. Jerks to a stop. WISE MAN points to the left. HEROD gasps.

  HEROD. Ah yes! So it is! Could it be – a portent?

  WISE MAN. Yes, O Herod! We believe it could be!

  HEROD. An important portent?

  WISE MAN. Yes! A most important portent!

  HEROD. So what could it portend, this most important portent?

  WISE MAN. What could it portend, this most important portent?

  HEROD. Yes.

  WISE MAN. Well we believe –

  HEROD. Yes?

  WISE MAN. – it could portend –

  HEROD. Right?

  WISE MAN. – could portend –

  HEORD. Yes?

  WISE MAN. Don’t keep doin’ that.

  HEROD. Right.

  WISE MAN. The arrival of a great king!

  HEROD. Arrival of a great – but that’s me, isn’t it?! I’m the great king! The greatest king OF ALL! There is no greater king!!! No GREATER KING THAN ME!!!

  HEROD leaps up and down like a wild toddler.

  WISE MAN. Are you alright, Your Highness?

  HEROD. Yes, thank you.

  Dramatically calms down.

  Tell you what! I’ll just – nip down my catacombs to see if I can find any relevant info. Won’t keep you.

  Turns.

  Would you like anything? Sherry?

  WISE MAN. No thank you.

  HEROD. Twiglets?

  WISE MAN. I’m vegetarian.

  HEROD. It’s only Marmite.

  MAURICE. And so it was Herod went straightway unto his secret catacombs which he done under his palace. First through a mighty door he went.

  HEROD mimes opening a mighty door.

  SFX: Creaking door.

  Music.

  Then by the light of flickering candlelight down along a long long long passageway.

  HEROD creeps along a passageway.

  Till he came to a flight of steps. Down the steps he went.

  HEROD goes down many steps.

  Down and down. Down and down.

  Down more steps.

  Through a tiny opening in the damp cold wall –

  Through a tiny opening.

  – and on down into the Chinese puzzle of more and more dark dark corridors, growing ever darker and darker.

  Down dark dark corridors.

  Until at last – he came – to a mighty door. Hewn of gopher wood!

  A mighty door. He slowly wrenches it open.

  SFX: Door creaks.

  He stepped inside and saw before him a tiny little dark little room.

  He is in a tiny room. He gasps!

  At last he found what he was looking for. It was the Room of Prophecies!! Feverishly his hand flicked across a multitude of little tiny volumes. All the prophecies ever prophesied!

  HEROD’s hand flicks across a multitude of tiny imagined scrolls. He peers at the titles, one by one.

  The Plagues of Egypt, Belshazzar’s Feast, Pharaoh’s Dream, the Revelation of St John the Divine, the Foretelling of the Birth –

  Gasps!

  – of the MESSIAH!

  He snatches a tiny scroll. Unrolls it feverishly. Reads aloud.

  HEROD. For lo – the people who doth walk in the darkness will see a great light and the great light will be a great king, a new king, and the new king will be a little baby and the little baby will be the Messiah. And he will be born in the little town of Bethlehem!

  Looks up.

  SHIT!

  MAURICE. And then just at that moment, the mighty door of gopher wood slammed behind him. BOOM! The single candle went out. FIZZZ! The tiny coffin-like Room of Prophecies was plunged into darkness. And Herod found himself incarcerated in a living tomb! Fifty foot below the palace!!! There was no escape! The walls, floor and ceiling started to close in on Ronald. Herod!

  RONALD begins to panic.

  RONALD. I don’t like it, Maurice!

  MAURICE. Embracing him in a deathly vice-like grip. From which there was no escape!

  RONALD (panicking more). Can we stop now please!?

  MAURICE. The darkness was all-consuming! The oxygen levels were critically low!

  RONALD. Stop it, Maurice! You know I don’t like it! I want to get out! Wanna get out!

  MAURICE. Ronald!

  RONALD. I’m goin’ to be sick!

  MAURICE. Ronald!!

  RONALD. I don’t like it, Maurice! I don’t like the actin’.

  RONALD runs through the pillars and off the revolve then off the stage. MAURICE chases him.

  MAURICE. Ronald!!!

  RONALD runs through the auditorium. He charges through the stalls. MAURICE rushes after him shouting.

  Ronald!! What do you think Mrs F is thinking?

  RONALD. I don’t give an effin’ eff what
Mrs F is finking!

  MAURICE. Ronald! Ronald! Ronald!

  They rush out and exit.

  We hear MAURICE and RONALD shouting offstage, banging doors. Their voices trail away. MRS F realises she is all alone. She looks at the audience. Realises only she can save the show.

  MRS F. And now – (Thinks.) ‘Musetta’s Waltz Song’ from La bohème by Puccini.

  She stands and sings.

  Song 5: Puccini, ‘Quando Me’n Vo’ from La bohème

  MRS F is soon consumed by the singing. RONALD, pursued by MAURICE, reappears in the auditorium. They rush back through the audience and jump back on the stage. MAURICE chases RONALD. He tries to grab him. RONALD avoids him. They leap over the model town. RONALD crushes the stable. He grabs a pillar. Holds it threateningly.

  MAURICE. Alright, Ronald! Put the pillar down! Give me the pillar, Ronald! Put it down, Ronald!

  MAURICE gently takes the pillar. Puts it down. RONALD lurches dangerously towards the audience. MAURICE follows him. At last he grabs him.

  Ronald! Ronald! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m very very very sorry, Ronald! VERY VERY SORRY, RONALD!

  At last RONALD goes still. MRS F sings on, totally immersed in Puccini. MAURICE tries to start the show again. Tries to shush MRS F who does not notice. She sings louder. MAURICE shushes her. She sings louder and louder. RONALD shouts out:

  RONALD. SHUT UP, MRS F!!!

  MAURICE looks at RONALD in shock. MRS F plonks, mortified, in her chair.

  A dreadful silence.

  MAURICE. So – um – Herod?

  RONALD. Yes?

  MAURICE. Did you find the – (Puts on his WISE MAN hat.) er, relevant info in the – er – catacombs?

  RONALD. In the what?

  MAURICE. Catacombs?

  RONALD. CATACOMBS!!!

  Snaps back into action.

  YES!!! There does seem to be some sort of messianic figure prophesied.

  Gasps.

  A Messiah in Bethlehem!!!

  WISE MAN. A Messiah!? In Bethlehem!?

  HEROD. Messiah!!! In Bethlehem!!!! Messiah!!! In Bethlehem!!!

  So look!! I tell you what!! (Hyperventilating.) Go straightway unto Bethlehem. And search ye diligently for him, for this tiny little baby, and when ye have found him, this – this – Messiah –

  WISE MAN. Yes?

  HEROD. – bring him straightway to me, that I may bow down unto him and worship him! Quick quick! Quick as you can, Wise Men! Bring him to ME! Hurry, Wise Men! Hurry hurry hurry!

  WISE MAN (bowing to HEROD). Right. Certainly. Certainly! Yes, O King!

  (Whispering.) Hurry hurry, Wise Men!! And collect our Wise Men’s camels and leave this dark and wicked place. And find the tiny holy baby and warn the tiny holy parents to escape from Herod as fast as possible. Come, Wise Men, come! Come, Mrs –

  Grabs MRS F by the hand.

  – Wise Man – come! Goodbye, Your Highness. Goodbye!

  They exit at speed.

  SFX: Thunder clap and lighting.

  Music.

  HEROD (waving after them). Goodbye! Goodbyeee! Don’t be lo-ong! Don’t be –

  He stops. Realises the truth.

  Wait a minute!! Wait a MINUTE! Do they think I’m an idiot!? They’re not going to find the baby! They’re not going to bring him to me at all! They’re going to WARN him about me and my horribly narcissistic psychopathic intentions! Ha! Quick!!! Send for my army! Tell ’em to get those old bastards! Those Wise Men! With all their peace and learnin’ and wisdom and have ’em burned like torches in the street! Then when they done that, find every baby in the world and have ’em all – butchered! Stop those Wise Men! Find the baby!!! Find the baby!!!

  SFX: Thunder clap and lighting.

  Music.

  HEROD strides off laughing insanely.

  The revolve begins to spin with increasing speed. MAURICE and MRS F, as TWO WISE MEN, enter. They jump on to the revolve. They whizz around, escaping from HEROD, searching for the baby. RONALD enters, still pulling on his WISE MAN outfit. He leaps for the revolve. The revolve goes faster. He falls off. He scrambles on, clutches a pillar, crashes into the others. They spin faster. They collapse on to each other. The revolve spins even faster. The three of them finish in a heap.

  Music: climaxes.

  They stagger up. Look at each other.

  RONALD. So shall we do the – er – Birth Scene now? Might get us er –

  MAURICE. – back on track?

  MRS F. Well, it is rather the point, isn’t it?

  RONALD. That’s right, Mrs F? Isn’t it, Maurice? Maurice?

  MAURICE. Right.

  MRS F. Robes!!

  RONALD and MAURICE are blank.

  ROBES!!

  RONALD and MAURICE. ROBES!!!

  They pull off their robes. RONALD folds them up. Chucks them into the wing. MRS F returns to her chair.

  MAURICE. So do you want to do the er –

  RONALD. Yes. Right. Thank you. So – now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to that bit of the show which is possibly the most difficult of all in that it requires us to perform what has never been performed on stage before. That is the birth of a baby as done by two men. Thank you.

  MAURICE. We feel – Ronald and I feel – that it is important to make clear that this is in no way meant to be in any way insensitive or in bad taste. We could have omitted this scene obviously but – we felt it was –

  RONALD. – crucial to the piece. In this scene I shall be playing the mother, Mary, via the aid of mimin’ and also portraying Josephine the midwife. Whilst Maurice will be playing Joseph the er –

  MAURICE. – Joseph. Thank you.

  RONALD. Thank you.

  They run offstage.

  Bethlehem – stable

  From the distance we hear:

  JOSEPH. Not far now, Josephine. It’s just there. That stable under the stars.

  Enter RONALD as the MIDWIFE. In midwife hat and cape and riding a bicycle. She glides across the stage. Exits.

  LOUD CRASH.

  JOSEPH bows his head and enters the stable. He looks down at MARY. MARY is a pool of light. Tentatively he approaches the pool of light.

  Mary? Look, Mary. I called the midwife.

  MIDWIFE enters. She bows her head and enters the stable. Looks down at MARY.

  MIDWIFE. Hello, Mary. I’m Josephine. Now I’m just going to lie you down.

  Mimes lying MARY down.

  JOSEPH. She’s just going to lie you down, Mary.

  MIDWIFE. So I can make a quick examination –

  JOSEPH. So she can make a quick examination –

  MIDWIFE. Would you get some straw, Joseph, to put under Mary’s back to make her more comfortable.

  JOSEPH. Certainly.

  He looks round for straw.

  Um –

  MIDWIFE. Outside in the straw store.

  JOSEPH. In the what?

  MIDWIFE. Straw store.

  JOSEPH. Straw store? MIDWIFE. Yes please.

  JOSEPH. Just going to the straw store, Mary.

  JOSEPH goes outside.

  SFX: Crickets. Goats. Hens. Night sounds.

  He looks for the straw store. Suddenly looks up at the night. Gasps.

  Music:

  Look! It’s a huge star! It has been followin’ us and now it has stopped. It’s shining down. And all about it, the stars and planets and constellations and all the swirling galaxies and nebulae! They have also halted in their heavenly motions. And – the winds have ceased. And the leaves on the trees. And there is no sound of any water or running rivers heard. And look! All the clocks have stopped ticking. And the stable lad is fast asleep with his horses and the chambermaid on the bed she was making and the pastry-cook snoring into the cake bowl and the dogs curled up on the stairs and the cats and mice lying side by side.

  SFX: Night sounds stop.

  MIDWIFE. There is a great silence.

  JOSEPH. The hour is come.

  They stand in the silence.

  MIDW
IFE. Hurry with the straw, Joseph!

  JOSEPH (jumps to). Right! Sorry yes. The straw.

  Mimes being given some straw.

  Thank you.

  Comes back into the stable. Realises. GASPS.

  Agh! Midwife?

  MIDWIFE. Yes?

  JOSEPH. The ox just gave me some straw. In his hoof!

  MIDWIFE. Yes very probably. Now put it under Mary’s back would you, Joseph?

  JOSEPH. Right. Certainly.

  Looks down at MARY.

  Nice soft straw, Mary.

  JOSEPH gently puts the straw under MARY’s back. The MIDWIFE proceeds with her examination.

  MIDWIFE. Right. So the head is engaged and the waters have broken.

  JOSEPH. Really?

  MIDWIFE. The waters have broken and – we’re into second-stage labour here.

  JOSEPH. Is that bad?

  MIDWIFE. No. That’s very very good. Now then I want you to breathe deeply, Mary. You can help, Joseph. Breathe with her. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Breathe together. Good. Now I’ll just make a further examination. The er – cervix is now fully diluted –

  JOSEPH. Dilated.

  MIDWIFE. Dilated.

  JOSEPH. Is it?

  MIDWIFE (demonstrates about a foot). A good ten centimetres, yes.

  JOSEPH. Really!?

  MIDWIFE. And the head is ready to crown.

  The MIDWIFE becomes RONALD.

  RONALD. What’s that mean then? Ready to crown?

  MAURICE. Sorry?

  RONALD. Ready to crown?

  MAURICE. Ready to crown?

  RONALD. Yes.

  MAURICE. Erm – well it means – er –

  Stands up. Steps over MARY.

  Excuse me. It means the baby –

  Lies down in a fetal position.

  – has now erm left the ‘womb’ and is proceeding down the ‘birth canal’. So now he’s er –

  Propels himself across the stage.

  – pushing, pushing to come out. To come out –

  RONALD. – head-first.

  MAURICE. Yes. That is if you come out head first. If you’re a ‘breech’ birth of course you come out –

  He spins round.

  RONALD. Bum-first.

  MAURICE. Yes.

  RONALD. Cos you were a breech birth, weren’t you, Maurice?

  MAURICE. I was actually yes as it happens. I’ve often felt that’s been a major factor in my own life, which has not been without its stressful moments as you know. In fact –