The Messiah Read online

  MAURICE. No – (Say hello to audience.) Hello.

  RONALD (to audience). Hello.

  MAURICE. And now it is our honour and privilege to introduce to you our special guest star here this evening. Singing some of the greatest arias from the Handel Messiah and many other Messiahs also, please welcome Mrs Leonora Fflyte.

  Fanfare.

  They turn to the blue drapes which swish open. A light comes up. Nothing happens.

  RONALD. She’s not there, Maurice!

  MAURICE. I can see that, Ronald.

  MAURICE signals. The tabs close.

  Mrs Leonora Fflyte.

  Repeat fanfare.

  The blue drapes swish open again. Still nothing happens.

  RONALD. She’s not there again, Maurice!

  MAURICE. Thank you, Ronald.

  MAURICE signals. The tabs close.

  Just go and get her, please.

  RONALD. I can’t do that, Maurice. It’s like a labyrinth back there!

  MAURICE (laughing with the audience). It’s only ‘backstage’, Ronald!!

  RONALD (shouting off). Mrs F!!

  MAURICE. Ronald!!

  (To audience.) Dear oh dear! Not very ‘used to the theatre’, are you, Ronald?

  (Laughing.) So – ladies and gentlemen – whilst we ‘await the appearance’ of our special guest star here this evening – Mrs Leonora Fflyte –

  RONALD. Mrs F.

  MAURICE. Mrs – F – let us now without further or ‘much’ ado –

  MAURICE laughs knowingly. RONALD laughs too. No idea what he’s laughing at.

  – begin the telling of our ancient and ne’er to be forgot tale of tales here this evening. Thank you, Ronald.

  (Sotto.) Thank you, Maurice.

  RONALD. You’re Maurice.

  MAURICE. No. Thank you, Maurice!

  RONALD. Ah yes! Thank you, ‘Maurice’. So now – ladies and gentlemen – let us begin now begin our show here this evening by moving – back, back and forth in time and on and up, up to those higher climes of cosmic domicile where the high and mighty celestial powers wrestle with the earth’s trousers.

  MAURICE. Traumas!

  RONALD. It’s trousers!

  MAURICE. Traumas!

  RONALD. It said trousers. I been working on trousers.

  MAURICE. I’m hardly going to write ‘The Earth’s Trousers’ am I Ronald?

  RONALD. I don’t know!

  MAURICE. The Earth’s Traumas!

  RONALD. The Earth’s Traumas!

  MAURICE. Rock!

  RONALD. I beg your pardon?

  MAURICE. ROCK!

  RONALD. Right! Thank you.

  RONALD exits. Then re-enters, staggering with the cosmic rock, which he drops in place. MAURICE ascends the rock as GOD.

  Lights change.

  Heavenly realms

  MAURICE. Gabriel O Gabriel. O my most-favoured seraph. Come forth!

  Enter RONALD as the ARCHANGEL GABRIEL. He raises his arms as angel wings.

  GABRIEL. Hello, Godhead.

  GOD. Hello.

  GABRIEL. Hello.

  GOD. Hello.

  They do a choreographed movement to each other.

  GABRIEL. As you know I am Gabriel. Your most-flavoured seraph –

  GOD. No – not flav–

  GABRIEL. – and whinging messenger.

  GOD. No, not whinging is he?!

  GABRIEL. Isn’t he?

  GOD. No! Wing-ed! Wing-ed messenger!

  GABRIEL. Wing-en-ed-ed message – messenge –

  GOD. Wing-ed messenger!

  GABRIEL. Wing-in-ed messagy windy whingey ginger minge –

  GOD (shocked). Ronald!

  GABRIEL. What?

  GOD. WING-ED! WING-ED!

  GABRIEL. I’m sayin’ it, aren’t I! Christ!

  GOD (ignores). So Gabriel –

  GABRIEL. Yes O Most Ineffinable Being?

  GOD. Have you visited the Earth? She whom I love? Recently?

  GABRIEL. I have as it happens, O Father of the Sky.

  GOD. So – does the Earth, does she send me ‘word’?

  GABRIEL. Um – well – put it like this.

  GOD. Yes?

  GABRIEL. The Earth –

  GOD. Yes?

  GABRIEL. – is in torment.

  GOD. Torment?

  GABRIEL. Her weeping rends the air.

  GOD. Weeping? Wherefore does she weep? Is she not cared for?

  GABRIEL. By the stones, by the trees by the grass, by every creeping thing she is cared for. Bar one… creeping thing.

  GOD. Bar one?

  GABRIEL. Bar one.

  GOD. What?

  GABRIEL. Humans.

  GOD. Humans?

  GABRIEL. Human beings!

  GOD. Human beings!!! But they arose from her mud and danced!

  GABRIEL. That’s all changed now.

  GOD. But they placed her stones in circles, they conversed with eagles, they sang to the sea.

  GABRIEL. Yes – they did.

  GOD. And they don’t now?

  GABRIEL. No. They murder whales now.

  GOD. Oh no!!! Do none love her? Like what I do – love her?

  GABRIEL. No. Well – a few. Women mainly. The men go into the darkness generally and go mad. They’ve got leaders.

  GOD. Leaders?

  GABRIEL. Herod the Great, Caesar Augustus, Pontius Pilate, Donald – Duck… And the divorce rate is very high as well.

  GOD (in shock). Where is all the love, Gabriel? The Earth was a gift of love. Where is all the love gone, Gabriel?

  GABRIEL. They have not trusted. They have lost the light. They are as in a dark cave. The wind howls across the sea. The waves beat upon the black sand. Dead fish are washed up on the shore. There are no sounds but these. The Earth your lover spins alone through the night. The spirit is gone out of her. The sun has gone.

  GOD. Is it too late, O favoured cherubim? Will she die?

  GABRIEL. It’s hard to say, O Father of the Sky.

  GOD. But in your opinion, Gabriel?

  GABRIEL. Well, in my opinion, I’d say –

  GOD. Yes?

  GABRIEL. – there’s just time.

  GOD. Very well then. We will heal her. We will heal The Earth. We will begin the healing. We will heal her rivers and her seas, her coral reefs, her rocks and her forests, we will heal the white rhino, the flying fish, the hoopoe and the very very rare Himalayan snow leopard. We will heal the souls of people. We will heal their hearts. Their pain and all their severed friendships. We will heal her.

  GABRIEL. But how will we heal her, O Lord?

  GOD. How will we heal her? We will conceive and we will give birth.

  GABRIEL. Give birth?

  GOD. Yes.

  GABRIEL. And how will we do that precisely?

  GOD. What?

  GABRIEL. Give birth exactly?

  GOD (not exactly sure). We will go into the darkness.

  GABRIEL. Right?

  GOD. Into the darkest most darkenedmost cave will we go –

  GABRIEL. Mmm?

  GOD. – and we will give birth. To the Sun!

  GABRIEL. To the Sun!

  GOD. Yes!

  GABRIEL. Yes!

  GOD. To a great light who shall be there shining in the darkness.

  TOGETHER. Let there be light!

  Their cosmic fingers move towards each other – à la Michelangelo’s God and Adam.

  TOGETHER. The Messiah!

  Their fingers miss. They aim again.

  The Messiah!

  Their fingers touch.

  SFX: Explosion.

  Stage – general

  MAURICE. Thank you.

  RONALD. Thank you.

  MAURICE. And now –

  RONALD. Thank you.

  MAURICE. Thank you. And now –

  RONALD. Yes! And now, ladies and gentlemen, travel with us now down down from those transcendental realms to a little tiny little tiny town –

  RONALD dries. MAURICE pr
ompts.

  MAURICE. – in the Roman province of Galilee.

  RONALD. In the Roman province of Galilee.

  He dries again. MAURICE prompts.

  MAURICE. Picture if –

  RONALD. I know! Picture if you will – in, as it were – the mind’s eye –

  MAURICE is muttering the words loudly beside him.

  – the darkened interior of a Syrian dwellin’ –

  RONALD can hear MAURICE muttering. RONALD stops.

  I know the words, Maurice, thank you!

  MAURICE. You’re doing very well, Ronald.

  RONALD. Thank you.

  MAURICE. Carry on, Ronald.

  RONALD. Thank you! Where our story tonight begins. It is the dwelling of Mary. Rough-hewn white-mud walls that bear no adornment.

  MAURICE mimes rough-hewn white-mud walls.

  Whatchoo doin?

  MAURICE. Mimin’.

  RONALD. Yes! The embers of a fire give rise to a curling wisp of smoke that ascends to a small opening in the centre of the ceiling –

  MAURICE mimes smoke curling through the roof.

  – a table –

  MAURICE mimes a table.

  – some rough-hewn stools –

  MAURICE mimes stools.

  – and various rough-hewn rudimentary cooking utensils lie upon the dusty floor.

  MAURICE mimes cooking utensils on the floor.

  What’s the cutlery doing on the floor? Is she a messy woman?

  MAURICE. She’s lonely.

  RONALD. What, too lonely to tidy up? Is that it?

  MAURICE. Quite possibly yes. She’s isolated. Never goes out. Lifts’ve broken down. Phone’s off. No friends. She’d leave crockery and cutlery and tea towels and that all over the floors. I’m developing her character, Ronald.

  RONALD (continues). In the corner a little tiny rough-hewn bed covered with a little tiny rough-hewn blanket and a little tiny rough-hewn pillow.

  MAURICE mimes laying a little blanket on the bed and plumping a little pillow. RONALD watches. Resumes.

  Somewhere in the distance a camel barks.

  MAURICE goes behind a pillar. Silence. He does a distant camel impression. Re-emerges. RONALD worried.

  Are you alright, Maurice?

  MAURICE. Yes thank you. Carry on please.

  RONALD. Right. Sitting upon one of the rough-hewn stools is a young rough-hewn girl.

  MAURICE. No –

  RONALD. What?

  MAURICE. Young girl!

  RONALD. Young rough-hewn girl!

  MAURICE. No!! Young girl!!!

  RONALD. Alright!

  MAURICE. Thank you, Ronald. Whenever you’re ready.

  RONALD. Thank you.

  MAURICE. Thank you. It is Mary. Sitting all alone. In her little Galiliean home.

  Nazareth – Mary’s room

  RONALD exits and re-enters with the fold-up chair. He sits. He takes a blue veil which he puts over his head.

  SFX: Mid-Eastern village.

  MAURICE. She gazes wistfully into the fire –

  RONALD gazes wistfully to the right.

  Into the fire!

  RONALD gazes wistfully to the left.

  Doing her evening sewing.

  RONALD mimes sewing.

  For Mary is a temple handmaid and sewing is her daily task. She pauses briefly –

  RONALD pauses.

  – as she gazes down at her handiwork.

  RONALD gazes down.

  The hem of a seventy-foot temple curtain.

  RONALD and MAURICE both follow the massive length of curtain with their eyes. They gaze miles offstage.

  A knock upon the door startles her far-away thoughts.

  RONALD looks startled. MAURICE stands behind MARY’s imaginary front door. Raises his hand to knock but there is no actual door. Whispers to a member of the audience.

  Excuse me… would you mind knocking – under your seat. Not yet! In sync with me please. I should have installed a bell. Thank you.

  Audience member does so. MAURICE walks through the imaginary door.

  RONALD. I haven’t said yes yet.

  MAURICE walks out and stands at the imaginary door again. RONALD looks startled again.

  MARY. Yes?

  MAURICE enters. He is now JOSEPH.

  JOSEPH. Excuse me?

  MARY. Yes? And who are you please?

  JOSEPH. I am Joseph. I am working next door.

  MARY. Hello.

  JOSEPH. Hello.

  MARY. What do you do then?

  JOSEPH. I am a carpenter.

  MARY. I am a lady.

  JOSEPH. You are yes.

  Awkward moment.

  MARY. So what does your – carpeting entail?

  JOSEPH. Carpenting.

  MARY. Sorry?

  JOSEPH. Carpen-ting.

  MARY. Car-pent-in’ entail?

  JOSEPH. Tables, chairs, work surfaces. Small household items. Bread boards. Decorative spice racks.

  MARY. Right.

  JOSEPH. I would have liked to have made ships. But you don’t get a great call on ships in the desert. Apart from camels.

  MARY. I beg your pardon?

  JOSEPH. Ships of the desert.

  Awkward moment.

  MARY. I am Mary. I spend my days sitting by the window sewing the temple veil. It is seventy foot long and not what you’d call a picnic.

  They follow the length of curtain with their eyes.

  I get quite depressed sometimes and I wonder what’s the point of it all. In the early mornings I walk in the hills and I dream of all the lands I’d visit if I had the money. Or I’d be a great lady novelist or make fantastic films. I am happiest when I’m walking in the hills. Ponderin’.

  JOSEPH. You are very pretty, Mary.

  MARY. Thank you very much.

  JOSEPH. Um – are you – as yet – betrothed? As is the custom of the time?

  MARY. Am I what sorry?

  JOSEPH. Betrothed. As is the custom of the time?

  MARY. I am not as it happens, no.

  JOSEPH. Um – cos – I was wondering could you – would you – be interested in becoming betrothed unto me? With a view to marriage possibly – in the long term?

  MARY. Um… (Thinks.) Yes, I would be. I would be interested. I think you are very – you have – your eyes are full of sadness.

  JOSEPH. Thank you very much. Could you – would you – could you love me?

  MARY. Yes. Quite possibly, yes.

  JOSEPH. So shall I come round again tomorrow?

  MARY. Yes.

  JOSEPH. Okay. Bye.

  MARY. Bye.

  JOSEPH starts to leave.

  Um –

  JOSEPH. Yes?

  MARY. I’ve got a wonky back door. You could mend that while you’re here.

  JOSEPH. Certainly, Mary. Bye.

  MARY. Bye.

  MAURICE mimes closing the door. MARY stands.

  MAURICE back on.

  Stage – general

  MAURICE. What do you mean ‘wonky back door’?

  RONALD. I had an impulse.

  MAURICE. Any other ‘impulses’ you’d like to share with us?

  RONALD. Well – I was thinkin’ that Mary could have a –

  MAURICE. And now, ladies and gentlemen, at this point in the programme, my company and myself would like to briefly halt proceedings in order to explain some of the reasons and intentions behind doing this particular ‘oeuvre’ here this evening.

  RONALD. Particular what?

  MAURICE. ‘Oeuvre.’ In order to engage upon this – dare I say – historic, esoteric and indeed – deeply colonic project, Ronald and myself have undertaken what I can only describe as our own deeply personal personal journeys towards the distant misty chalice of enlightenment. So before we embark further upon our ‘show’, we have decided to reveal quite candidly the fruits of our journeys – the candid fruits one might say – in order to stand before you tonight fully enlightened, materially unencumbered and entirel
y naked.

  RONALD surprised. Looks at MAURICE.

  For we have undergone what can only be described as major spiritual journeys of great personal transformation, but also of considerable pain and great personal difficulty. In particular myself. So let us start with myself. And my particular ‘journey.’ The journey – if you will – of myself.

  For I am only recently returned from a long and lifelong search lookin’ within myself and into myself to find – myself. All by myself.

  So where precisely did I go to find myself and what actually happened in a nutshell? – Well fascinatin’ly my ‘journey’ began by travellin’ deeply into the mystic and shadowy realms of ‘Celtic Twilight’. Taking me round virtually all the great ‘spiritual centres’ of this country, Glastonbury, Stonehenge, the Pilsbury – Ring, the Avebury – thing and of course the maze at Tring. But it was at a secluded monastic retreat just outside the attractive rural town of Hassocks in Sussex that I received possibly the most profoundly enlightening spiritual training that money can buy. Upon my arrival at the monastery, dedicated to the famous silent monk St Placid of Peterborough, the little Brothers of St Placid – dedicated to complete silence – greeted me, silently of course, and took me instantly to their bosoms. They offered me a small bare cell and simple vegan fare. When finally – after months of meditational research in total silent seclusion – I emerged from my darkened cell, in sandals and simple cassock and found myself standing, upon a wide meadow of verdant grasses, before the Father Superior of the monastery, little Brother Bertram who carried with him a vast ancient leather book of his own Secret Teachings. And thus it was we sat together, little Brother Bertram and myself. On tussocks, in Hassocks, in Sussex, in cassocks. And he didst putteth into my hand his vast leather tome and sayeth unto me: ‘Maurice Bromsgrove Rose, in my personal opinion you are the most spiritually enlightened being it has ever been mine honour of knowing. Thank you.’

  RONALD. I thought they was silent.

  MAURICE. Who?

  RONALD. The silent monks.

  MAURICE. That’s right yes they was silent. So –

  RONALD. So how’d he say all that then?

  MAURICE. Well – um – from – from within. So –

  RONALD. Within what?

  MAURICE. Himself.

  RONALD. So how did you hear it then?

  MAURICE. Within – myself.

  RONALD frowns as he takes this in. MAURICE waits impatiently. Looks at watch.

  Alright?

  RONALD. Yup.

  MAURICE. Good. So –

  RONALD. So can I do my inner journey now then?

  MAURICE. Sorry?

  RONALD. My great personal spiritual inner journey of great personal pain and difficulty. Like what you done.