The Messiah Page 4

  MAURICE. Thank you. And now –

  RONALD. Very fetching.

  MAURICE. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let us step back in time back to those misty days of yesteryear as we present an – historically authenticated re-enactment of the Roman Census – as it almost certainly would have been, would have been. So, in order to facilitate this historic event in all its full and historic authenticity, we will ask you yourselves to assume the role of the jostling and noisome populace thronging the darkened alleyways and garish souks of the Nazareth Civic Centre. For this uniquely researched sequence, I myself will play the elegant but heartless Roman Tribune Lucius Maximus Asparagus who has arrived from Rome to conduct the hated Roman Census.

  Puts on helmet. RONALD stares at it.

  And, Ronald –

  RONALD. Nice shiny helmet, Maurice.

  MAURICE. Thank you. And Ronald will be taking the role of the Mayor of Nazareth, a self-taught political activist and rabble-rouser.

  RONALD puts on his little mayor hat. Ties under his chin.

  Welding the crowd into a fervid hotbed of rebellious rage.

  RONALD waves.

  Which he will be doin’ whilst I will utter certain hated words that fire in you the spark of seething passion. So – whenever you hear the word ‘Rome’ you murmur and mutter in a discontented manner. Whenever you hear the word ‘Caesar’ you go: ‘HAH!’ And whenever you hear the word ‘Census’ fall from my hated lips, you shout: ‘What do you think we are, a statistic?’ Right got that? Good. Let’s just take that out for a spin. Shall we?

  Audience practice.

  I didn’t quite hear that! Where’s all the rebellious spirit I heard so much about?

  Audience practice.

  Already it has reached the the ears of Caesar in Rome as he plans the Census!

  Audience practice.

  Ah yes! Marvellous and highly authentic. So authentic, in fact, it was almost as if we was actually there. Finally, if you are fortunate enough to receive one of our numbered and hand-embossed ‘character cards’.

  RONALD displays character cards.

  Thank you, Ronald. Now please await the calling of your number before attempting to utter these historically authenticated phrases written thereon that will be skillfully interwoven by the Mayor into the fabric of the Tribune’s speech that will be delivered, of course, by myself. So now we present the Roman Census as it might almost certainly have been. Thank you.

  RONALD. But lo! Look, citizens! The hated Tribune! On his hated –

  MAURICE. I’ve got to leave the stage first, Ronald!

  MAURICE exits.

  Music: fanfare.

  MAURICE marches back on.

  Music continues.

  RONALD. But lo! Look, citizens! The hated Tribune! On his hated horse!

  MAURICE. I’m walking, Ronald!

  RONALD. What?

  MAURICE. I’m on foot.

  RONALD. On his hated foot!

  MAURICE cuts music. It stops abruptly.

  MAURICE. Oh, Nazarenes! I have come from Rome. I said I have come from ROME!

  Audience murmur and mutter.

  Sent by CAESAR.

  Audience: ‘Hah!’

  To conduct the Roman CENSUS!

  Audience: ‘What do you think we are, a statistic?’

  So if you wouldn’t mind forming an orderly –

  RONALD. Number One please!

  NUMBER ONE. Bugger off!

  MAURICE. So if you wouldn’t mind –

  RONALD. Number Two please –

  NUMBER TWO. Call that a six-pack!

  MAURICE. – wouldn’t mind –

  RONALD. Number Three!

  NUMBER THREE. Cornetto, please!

  MAURICE. – just forming a –

  RONALD. Number Four!

  NUMBER FOUR. Wot! No Referendum!

  MAURICE (exasperated). – forming a queue –

  RONALD. Number Five please.

  NUMBER FIVE. Up your Appian way!

  MAURICE. – in an orderly manner –

  RONALD. Number Six please!

  NUMBER SIX. Toss yourself off in the Tiber!

  RONALD. Number Seven please!

  NUMBER SEVEN. Get back to Rome!

  Audience murmur and mutter.

  MAURICE. – orderly –

  RONALD. Number Eight!

  NUMBER EIGHT. Stuff Caesar!

  Audience: ‘Hah!’

  MAURICE. – orderly –

  RONALD. Number Nine!

  NUMBER NINE. Stick it up your Census!

  Audience: ‘What do you think we are, a statistic?’

  MAURICE. – orderly queue –

  RONALD. Number Ten please!

  MAURICE. Ronald?

  RONALD. Number Eleven!

  MAURICE. Ronald!

  RONALD. Number –

  MAURICE. Ronald!!!

  RONALD. Number –

  MAURICE. RONALD!!

  RONALD. What?

  MAURICE. What are you doing?

  RONALD. Welding the crowd into a fervid hotbed of rebellious rage, oh hated Tribune.

  MAURICE. The historically authenticated phrases, Ronald, were supposed to be interwoven into the delicate fabric of the Census –

  RONALD. What do you think we are, a statistic!!!?

  MAURICE. Ronald, I’m trying to begin the Census –

  RONALD. What do you think we are –

  MAURICE. I’m doin’ the Census!!!!

  RONALD. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE –

  MAURICE. RONALD!! If I can’t have your cooperation on this – I’m going to have to cut it.

  RONALD. Cut what?

  MAURICE. The Census!

  RONALD and AUDIENCE. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE, A –

  MAURICE (to whole audience). Will you shut up!!! You’re just encouraging him! You’ve got him hopelessly overexcited now! I mean look at him!

  RONALD looks embarrassed.

  Cap off, Ronald!

  RONALD. You fuck off.

  MAURICE. CAP off, Ronald!!!

  RONALD. Right.

  Pulls his cap off.

  MAURICE. I now see there is a small but dangerous minority amongst you here tonight who are using Ronald as a tool. To further your own subversive ends. You’re being used, Ronald!

  RONALD. Sorry.

  MAURICE. Right. We’ll carry on now.

  RONALD. Number Seventeen!!

  MAURICE. No no no! We’ve cut the Census!

  AUDIENCE and RONALD. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE, A –

  MAURICE. All right. That’s it! THAT IS IT!!!!! Because of the pathetic and puerile behaviour of certain individuals here this evening, there will be no more audience participation for the rest of the performance! And I hope that those I am referring to, and they know precisely who they are, are quite satisfied now that they’ve spoilt everybody else’s fun. And now, ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a brief interval or intermission. During which time I would ask you to blackball all the troublemakers in the audience and do NOT – however much they plead – succumb to buying them any drinks, peanuts or porky scratchings. In fact, simply ignore them. It’s the only way they’ll learn. The rest of you, please avail yourselves of the delightful attractive culinary facilities in the delightful catering areas on all levels, where a wide selection of bar snacks, light refreshments, alcoholic beverages, hot and cold drinks and squashes are being served. Also – why not pay a visit our uniquely themed ‘Gift Shop’ where a whole heavenly host of attractive souvenirs, memorabilia and stocking-fillers are on sale, including donkey pencil-sharpeners, humorous halos, wise-men flip-flops, angel coasters and frozen organic shepherd’s pies. Thank you.

  Music.

  They march through the back drapes. Get jammed between two pillars. Exit with difficulty.

  End of Act One.

  ACT TWO

  Music: Overture.

  Stage – general

  Enter MAURICE and RONALD. RONALD signals offstage. Same as Act One
.

  Music cuts.

  MAURICE. And now, ladies and gentlemen – Ronald and myself take great pleasure in commencing our second act – or ‘Act Two’ – by presenting – in person – our special guest star here tonight, as we was hopin’ to do at the commentcement of our afore-performed ‘Act One’. Ladies and gentlemen – Mrs Leonora Fflyte.

  Music: fanfare.

  Enter MRS F.

  MRS F. Thank you, thank you.

  MAURICE. Thank you.

  RONALD. Thank you.

  MAURICE. Thank you. Her illustrious career has seen her doin’ the singin’ in many famous opera houses and many other – houses also. Playin’ the fulmost gamut of mighty operatic roles, includin’ Carmen, Tosca, Brunhilde, Rigoletto, The Merry Widow, Widow Twanky. But now it is now our great privilege to invite –

  RONALD. Mrs F –

  MAURICE. Mrs F to lead the company in one of the loveliest arias –

  MRS F. It’s not an aria.

  RONALD. He doesn’t know his arias from his elbow, Mrs F.

  MAURICE. – ever penned by our musical inspiration for our show here tonight – Johann Sebastian Handel.

  MRS F. ‘For Unto Us a Child is Born’! Which shall be sung algusto vivace tutti.

  RONALD. Wh’she sayin?

  MAURICE. I have no idea.

  MAURICE and RONALD exit.

  MRS F. Two and three and –

  Song 3: Handel, ‘For Unto Us a Child is Born’

  For unto us a child is born –

  MAURICE and RONALD dance in and sing beside her.

  ALL.

  Unto us, a child is born, unto us a son is given – (Etc.)

  And the government shall be upon His shoulder; and his name shall be called Wonderful Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. The Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. The Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.

  They bow. MRS F takes the applause. She bows and curtsies.

  Curtsies. MAURICE bows. RONALD curtsies. MAURICE and RONALD exit. MRS F takes centre-stage.

  MRS F. And so it was Joseph setteth Mary upon the donkey and verily didst they travel through many days and many nights unto Bethlehem.

  MRS F returns to her chair.

  Music: Road to Bethlehem.

  Enter MARY sitting on the imaginary donkey. JOSEPH leading her. They travel across the stage. MRS F watches from her chair.

  JOSEPH. Are you alright, Mary? On the donkey?

  MARY. I’m okay.

  JOSEPH. Comfy?

  MARY. The baby’s kicking a bit.

  JOSEPH. Another precipitous hairpin coming up, sorry.

  They manoeuvre the hairpin. MARY hangs on.

  Don’t look down!

  MARY (looks over a cliff). Oh!

  JOSEPH. Alright?

  MARY. Is it much further?

  JOSEPH. Erm – a little bit further yes.

  MARY. How much further?

  JOSEPH. Sorry?

  MARY. How much further?

  JOSEPH. Would you like a little rest now?

  MARY. How much further?!

  JOSEPH. Three hundred and ninety-one miles.

  MARY. Three hun– oh no! I can’t stand it. It’s been miles and miles and miles!

  JOSEPH. We’ll have a little rest now.

  MARY. Take me down from the donkey, Joseph!

  JOSEPH pulls up the donkey, helps MARY down.

  Be careful!

  JOSEPH. I am being careful.

  JOSEPH leads the donkey to a member of the audience.

  Excuse me. Will you hold the donkey please? Thank you.

  MARY. He’s called Parsley. You can stroke him if you want. Not there.

  (Sighs.) I got to have a sit-down, Joseph! I’m exhausted!

  JOSEPH. Look! How about in this nice little tiny little dark cave I just found?

  MARY (suddenly RONALD). Don’t want to go in a nice little tiny little dark cave!

  JOSEPH (improvising). Do not be – um – afeared, Mary, mine wife.

  RONALD. Don’t want to go in the little tiny little dark cave!

  MAURICE. Alright alright! It’s not a real cave, is it? It’s only actin’, Ronald! (Laughs to audience.)

  RONALD (panicking, sotto). You know I don’t like it, Maurice! I don’t like it, I don’t like it!

  MAURICE/JOSEPH. Alright alright! Then – then – how about – in front of the nice little dark tiny little dark cave? Just here?

  MARY. Alright. Help me sit down then please.

  JOSEPH. Alright?

  MARY. Yes thank you.

  JOSEPH helps MARY sit.

  JOSEPH. Shall I make a little fire now?

  MARY. Are you up to making a little fire?

  JOSEPH. Yes I am up to making a little fire. Actually. For lo, the angel said –

  MARY. I know what the angel said. He appeared to me too you know!

  JOSEPH. I know he appeared to you too!

  JOSEPH starts collecting firewood. He arranges sticks for a fire.

  MARY. There’s no use repeating everything I say. Whatchoo doin’?

  JOSEPH. Collectin’ kindlin’.

  MARY. Where’s the angel now, that’s what I want to know? It’s all very well him coming and telling us things, but when the going gets tough he’s nowhere to be seen.

  JOSEPH. He’s probably watching over us or something I should imagine.

  Starts rubbing flints.

  MARY. Winging about. Having a nice time in the clouds, more likely. What are we going to do, Joseph! What are we going to do in Bethlehem?

  JOSEPH battling with the flints.

  Have you thought of that? Where are we going to stay? Where am I going to lay my poor weary head, Joseph? Do they know I’m pregnant? Have you booked? Did you get en suite? What’s going to happen, Joseph!? What are we going to do!? Joseph! Joseph!!!

  JOSEPH. No!!!! I haven’t booked alright!? I don’t know what we’re goin to do! Don’t know where we’re going to stay! I don’t know what’s going to happen! I don’t know what en suite is! I don’t know what all this is about! I’m just trying to do my best. Alright!??

  Painful moment.

  MARY. I’m sorry, Joseph. It’s just I get so tired on that donkey.

  They gaze at the donkey, still being held by the audience member.

  Alright, Parsley? Mind he doesn’t munch your jumper.

  (Back to JOSEPH.) I don’t mean to nag, Joseph.

  JOSEPH. That’s alright, Mary.

  He rubs the flints again. At last, a flame. He lights the sticks. The fire lights. Glows red on their faces. They gaze into the fire.

  MARY. It’s a nice little fire.

  JOSEPH. Yes. Shall we turn in now?

  MARY. Alright.

  They lie down.

  Goodnight, Joseph.

  JOSEPH. Goodnight, Mary.

  MARY. Goodnight.

  JOSEPH. Goodnight.

  MARY. Goodnight, Mrs F.

  MRS F surprised. Nods back. They all close their eyes.

  MAURICE. The tiny fire flickered in the cold night air.

  The fire flickers.

  And then it went out.

  The fire goes out. MARY wakes with a start.

  MARY. Joseph!!! The fire’s gone out. Joseph! I can’t see. There are no shapes in the darkness. There are no stars in the sky. Joseph! I’m cold. I can’t see. Joseph! Joseph! Joseph!!! Joseph!!!!

  JOSEPH (wakes, jumps up). Alright, alright, alright!

  He blows the spark. Slowly the fire lights again.

  There.

  They gaze at the fire.

  MARY. Hold me.

  Tentatively JOSEPH puts his arm round MARY. The light of the fire glows on their faces.

  I don’t understand. I don’t know what’s going on.

  JOSEPH. No.

  MARY. Do you know what’s going on?

  JOSEPH. No. It is a mystery. I’ll watch the fire. You sleep now.

  MARY. Alright.

  She remembers Pa
rsley.

  (Calls.) Parsley?

  They mime Parsley rejoining them. MARY sleeps.

  Above Bethlehem

  MRS F stands. She sings.

  Song 4: Handel, ‘Come Unto Him All Ye That Labour’

  As she sings, MAURICE stands. He discreetly crosses the stage and through the back drapes, leaving RONALD alone as the sleeping MARY.

  Slowly the back drapes open. We see revealed a perfect little Christmas-card Bethlehem. Little houses, little lights in the little windows. The drapes continue being drawn, accidentally revealing MAURICE proudly winding the handle, marvelling at his creation. He notices the audience and sharply winds the drapes back a bit. He returns to RONALD, still asleep as MARY. Remembers something and nips back behind the drapes. A stable trundles on, halts next to the town. A little donkey beside the stable. MAURICE runs back to RONALD again. Kneels beside him. Remembers again. He gets up again. Each time he gets up, RONALD lolls. MAURICE leans into the stable and pull a switch. A little light shines in the stable window. He climbs out of the model town and accidentally knocks over a tower. He tries to set it right. It falls again. He tries again. It falls again. He noisily shoves it back into place. Runs back to his position next to RONALD. He puts his arm round MARY. MRS F finishes the aria.

  RONALD (whispering). Are you playing games or sommink?

  MAURICE. What?

  RONALD. Hoppin’ up and down like a bloody great toad!

  MAURICE. Bloody great what?

  RONALD. Toad! Leaving me all alone in that scene, pregnant and unattended. Like a lemon! Fiddlin’ about with your cardboard houses!

  MAURICE. I was only thinking of you and Mrs F, Ronald!

  RONALD. You was only thinkin’ of yourself! You and your clever-clogs special effects!

  MAURICE. I was merely attempting to enhance and preserve the theatrical moment, as it happens, Ronald.

  RONALD. So some stinkin’ little cardboard town is more important to you than a woman in her most vulnerable moment, about to give birth in the middle of the Syrian desert. Do you have any idea what a difficult time I’ve had attempting this role? Have you ever tried playing a fourteen-year-old virgin?

  MAURICE. I happen to think it has stretched you enormously, Ronald.

  RONALD. I don’t give a fig for what you think, Maurice! Neither does Mrs F, if you want to know!

  MRS F freezes.

  Cos we’ve been discussing you in the dressing room and we both agree it’s just ‘self self self’ with you!

  MAURICE. Really?

  RONALD. Yes.

  MAURICE. Well – in that case – I suggest we stop the show right here and now and put our cards on the table. Say exactly what we all feel. Mrs F? Would you like to begin? Anything you’d like to – er – ‘share’ with everybody here?